I blamed big-pharma for a while.

Then the doctors who didn’t communicate with each other.

Then I wondered and sailed the high seas for a while.

‘Normal levels’ she said. “Codine, paracetamol.. ” she said.  “Why didn’t you go to the conquest yourself?” she asked.

[Because I couldn’t].


Dear sister, you will always be.

On the 17th August 2008 you died.

Was it the big-pharma cocktail; the black dog; the will to live no longer or just the plain old “Misadventure”.

“Open verdict”.

I’ll never know.

I don’t think you wanted to leave. I know in the past you have, but not this time.

I wish I didn’t leave the country the year before you died. I really wish I stayed here. I really wish I was there for you.

Staying strong.



You underlined the word renaissance in the dictionary.

You painted and played music .. you wrote. 

You created a warm home.

You had a gentle spirit connected to nature ..

You cared for animals, nature and humans alike.

You cared for me when blood ran from my head. You protected me.  You loved me.


I could have done so much more for you.  I could have been more generous and offered to drive you home more often. I could have cooked some lovely food for you.  I could have helped you more, given you more, showed my love more. I don’t know if I can forgive myself.

True grit and determination.

You are five years and two days gone. The day before your funeral I paid for an overpriced flight, came home from the England to you – laid out in the sitting room. White polo jumper and navy pinafore.I kissed your forehead and touched your hair.

We tried to get you a basket coffin. But I didn’t preserve. I tried to pick your memorial card, but I didn’t.. Five years later I still miss you and I still haven’t done a card for you.


I hope that this love I feel is the fire in my belly.

 You are my True grit and determination from now on.



Resilience & Epistemology

I wished upon a falling meteorite last week..

That kind of love never fades.

My gasp aloud.  My skipped beat.

I know there are no pretences is wanting peace and happiness for you; and wanting you to be alive. And wanting to believe that wishing something, could bring you and me together again.

Despite every rational bone that ever existed,

I wished for you to be alive and happy.

Always shining brightly.

My hope and my love.

Rest in Peace my dear Sister.