I blamed big-pharma for a while.
Then the doctors who didn’t communicate with each other.
Then I wondered and sailed the high seas for a while.
‘Normal levels’ she said. “Codine, paracetamol.. ” she said. “Why didn’t you go to the conquest yourself?” she asked.
[Because I couldn’t].
On the 17th August 2008 you died.
Was it the big-pharma cocktail; the black dog; the will to live no longer or just the plain old “Misadventure”.
I’ll never know.
I don’t think you wanted to leave. I know in the past you have, but not this time.
I wish I didn’t leave the country the year before you died. I really wish I stayed here. I really wish I was there for you.
You underlined the word renaissance in the dictionary.
You painted and played music .. you wrote.
You created a warm home.
You had a gentle spirit connected to nature ..
You cared for animals, nature and humans alike.
You cared for me when blood ran from my head. You protected me. You loved me.
I could have done so much more for you. I could have been more generous and offered to drive you home more often. I could have cooked some lovely food for you. I could have helped you more, given you more, showed my love more. I don’t know if I can forgive myself.
You are five years and two days gone. The day before your funeral I paid for an overpriced flight, came home from the England to you – laid out in the sitting room. White polo jumper and navy pinafore.I kissed your forehead and touched your hair.
We tried to get you a basket coffin. But I didn’t preserve. I tried to pick your memorial card, but I didn’t.. Five years later I still miss you and I still haven’t done a card for you.
I hope that this love I feel is the fire in my belly.
You are my True grit and determination from now on.
I wished upon a falling meteorite last week..
That kind of love never fades.
My gasp aloud. My skipped beat.
I know there are no pretences is wanting peace and happiness for you; and wanting you to be alive. And wanting to believe that wishing something, could bring you and me together again.
Despite every rational bone that ever existed,
I wished for you to be alive and happy.
Always shining brightly.
My hope and my love.
Rest in Peace my dear Sister.